Unstuck

By Leigh Duncan

Like many of our readers, I've spent the better part of my life in career track mode, working my way up through start-ups and the Fortune 100 promise of a better life. I was successful in my own rite, but the toll that it began to take on my personal life was profound. Even so, I was reticent to admit that I was unhappy for a long time. Instead, I put on a brave face and carried around a nagging sense that my life had blown off course for years.

On the surface, I had what everyone tells you is required for happiness: I had a job with a six-figure paycheck, a nice house in Washington DC, a new SUV, took a few luxury vacations each year and frequent nights out with friends. However, as a traveling consultant for a "Big Five" consultancy, I was working 60-80 hours a week. I only made home appearances on weekends - just long enough to do some laundry and pack up to leave again. The truth was that I was mostly exhausted. My work no longer had significant meaning for me. My relationships were suffering. I hadn't managed a date in an embarrassingly long time. I was unhappy at such a deep level, I didn't even realize it.

Then, I got sick. It took a long time to diagnose what was wrong, so I went through a period of a year where I merely felt awful and had no energy. I saw three different doctors and each one had mentioned "stress-related" illness. So, I followed the doctor's advice and managed to make some life changes to reduce my stress.

I secured some local work for a short period of time. I joined a gym and began working out 4-5 times per week. I changed my diet and cut out white processed flour and sugar. After six months of this, something asleep inside began to wake up. While I still felt awful, I was now strong enough to get real about the inner dialog I'd been resisting for years. I started having some painfully expositional discussions with my friends, my pastor and co-workers I trusted. I knew that I was stuck in my life - and that I would probably die (spiritually if not physically) if I continued in the same direction. It was time for change.

Phase I of my Unstuck Challenge began here.

Everything in my being was crying out for the kind of rest that came with a complete release from the demands of my job. It was clear that I needed to take a break from work. However, I was afraid of what that meant for my career. Even though God had done everything short of come down in a lightning bolt to confront me with my reality, for six months, I fought taking a leave of absence with all I had.

Then, I went to my doctor for a follow-up visit. She complimented me on the progress I had made by shifting my work situation, changing my diet, eating healthfully, exercising and losing weight. While I was happy that she noticed, I couldn't hide my frustration as I tearfully asked "WHY do I feel so LOUSY then? Why am I sick?" What she said changed my life in an instant:

"Let me tell you what I have observed in my practice. There's a lot that impacts body chemistry - but one thing that stands out to me clearly is the relationship between stress and individual health: When we are fulfilling our purpose in life, it has a regenerative effect on the body. That is, we may expend a lot of energy, but this energy actually returns to us and works to make us stronger. It will lead to the buildup of increased energy and vitality - even if we're working hard. However, when we are abusing - or when we are not filling - our purpose in life, it will always have a degenerative effect on the body. We will expend energy and it will not return to us. We will eventually burn out and we will become sick. Most of America today lives in that burned-out state, and we are a sick nation because of it. Now, I can't tell you what to do with your life, but in my opinion, you need to find what your purpose is - and between you and me, your purpose isn't this job."

It was on that day I decided to take an unpaid leave of absence. It started within a week, and while I had many grandiose plans for the break, I ended up in a virtual coma for the first four weeks. It was uncanny how tired I really was. Sometimes I would go to bed at 10 pm and sleep until 3pm in the afternoon. I took naps. I lived in pajamas for weeks. I enjoyed quiet breakfasts on my deck and late night movie fests with my girlfriends. It was heaven.

After a month, I woke up - and for the next four weeks, I spent time reconnecting with friends and family. I traveled a little. I began thinking and praying about finding my purpose. I started thinking about all the things I'd abandoned that once made me an interesting person: a love for art and painting, music and singing; having fun dinner parties; doing volunteer and missions work; working with youth. I started doing some of those things again, and my life began to blossom.

At this point, I also began to write - a lot. Writing for me was cathartic after 17 years in the trenches of marketing CRM and eCommerce. My brain was full of thoughts, tirades and ideas. I started a weblog and penned my first few articles on Customer Experience. Within a month, my work was featured in Fast Company's weblog, Business 2.0, CRM Magazine and Marketing Profs.com. This energized me, and I began to grapple with the internal reality that I was meant to be out on my own.

Stage II of the Unstuck Challenge began as my four month leave of absence came to an end. As I weighed things out, I had a few options: I could extend the leave of absence despite the pressure issued by my workplace; I could go back to work and try to stay local and maintain "work-life" balance; or I could simply quit - full stop.

The idea of quitting triggered a panic I'd never felt before. I felt like a frightened kid in a swimming pool. You know the kid wearing the water wings -- the one that clings to the gutter while "shimmying" around the edge of the pool; the kid who never really gets the courage up to let go?

Taking my Leave of Absence was the equivalent of jumping in that swimming pool and grabbing the edge in a soaked stupor. It was quite an accomplishment. I shimmied around the pool proudly for four months....and I actually enjoyed the water and my limited freedom. Now, however, God call me out of my comfort zone yet again. He was calling me to the center of the pool. I felt him telling me I could touch bottom if I let go; that I could learn to swim in freedom - without water wings and without being an edge dweller the rest of my life. He gave me a choice to let go.

Letting go was terrifying, because it required letting go of all the things I had counted as "security": The stable income, the promotion that was overdue, the prestige of my position, the respect of my peers, etc. The ironic thing was, none of those things ever made me feel more secure - they just drove me to work harder. They didn't make me feel better. They were merely pretty things with strings attached. They were keeping me on the edge.

About this time, Hurricane Katrina hit, and I found myself in the middle of a relief project. I assumed a leadership role in my church as we filled a semi truck with supplies for a hurting sister ministry in St. Louis. During this process, I became particularly close with one family in particular who had lost everything. They had made it out of St. Louis in a car with their two girls, a dog and a cat. They lost two homes and everything they owned. As we helped them find a new home, and as we worked with local merchants to provide the simple necessities they would need to begin to start their lives over with, I began to feel silly about my own fear. In the midst of this, I heard God speak to me - not in an audible voice, but more like a small conscious voice saying "Leigh - what have you really got to lose?"

The day I quit my job, I had a panic attack. After talking through things with a good friend, I called my boss and blurted out my intentions, very clearly and succinctly. She wasn't surprised and was incredibly supportive. My superiors left the door open for me to stay as long as I wanted, to work locally and to rethink the decision. I returned to work for six weeks to finalize my affairs, The time I spent there made me more sure of my decision than ever. When I left, they left the door open for me to return whenever I wanted. I never looked back.

Maybe it was a reward - or maybe dumb luck - but shortly after I made the decision to quit my job, a good friend asked me if I'd be willing to teach her course on Web Design at the University of Hawaii. I jumped at the chance. I spent two weeks teaching and soaking up the sun in complete ecstasy. I remember standing in the cerulean blue sea, gazing at jagged, volcanic peaks and feeling like I was on a honeymoon with God. It was perfect. It was a new start. I was unstuck.

It was in Hawaii that I traded my pool for the ocean, and learned to enjoy the challenge of the waves. I began doing independent consulting, continued writing, became a Senior Contributing Editor at Marketing Profs.com and was invited to speak at their 2006 annual retreat. While the work wasn't always consistent, it was gratifying and energizing. All my needs were met. I did more work and expended less energy. I had more free time. My faith was bolstered. My life became more balanced. I became genuinely happy for the first time in decades. I was moved to tears with gratitude and thankfulness every day.

Then, I met my husband, Brent. It was like a lightning strike. It happened so fast, my head is still reeling. After a lifetime of near misses and more than my share of duds - I couldn't have imagined a more perfectly wonderful, stable, rock solid, faithful, kind, considerate guy - but there he was in front of me! We were married in seven months. We had a beautiful wedding and honeymoon in Tahiti. Then, I packed up my life and moved to a small town in the Midwest to build a home with Brent and his beautiful daughter, Michelle. We have bonded strongly and things have gone better than I could have imagined. We set up a home office and continued to write, speak and teach. Our lives are full and blessed.

I'm thankful for the lesson of being stuck. It forced me to get real. It taught me how to trust God and how to embrace the person He created me to be. It made me appreciate real freedom. It drives me today to ask "what's next, God with anticipation and excitement."

We found out that we're expecting our first baby in October. I had been told by several doctors that I wasn't likely to get pregnant without assistance. However, we know from experience that we serve a God of miracles. We are unstuck!

So together, we're looking forward to watching life unfold, as we continue together down this path. It's not without some fear, at times. We also continue to confront our comfort zones and faulty thought patterns. However, we've learned that when we're operating within God's will and purpose, the journey is always surprisingly delightful and better than we could imagine. I hope this story will encourage you as you decide to live unstuck.

Leigh Duncan is a 18-year eCommerce, marketing and CRM veteran, and the founder of Livepath. As an Experience Architect, Leigh has helped a number of Fortune 100 companies develop innovative, cross-channel experiences that drive customer loyalty and build brand distinction.